I've been south for the first time since Aug' 17

You know when you're so sleepy you should definitely not make any decisions and go straight to bed?

Yes well, instead I'm opening a beer, listening to Rush and writing a blog post to you. Then I'll play some Age of Empires II and then I'll regret none of it tomorrow.

So I am tired as I was Sooth this past week. UK mainland to you and I. Gigging at Red Raw in the Stand Comedy Clubs in Edinburgh, Glasgow and Newcastle. It was brilliant. I'm not one for words currently, cause the typing interrupts the picking up of my can. But everyone enjoys a good slide show. Just ask those kids in It.

Great times.

Actually, just to share an anecdote. When I went to see It in the cinema. It got to the scene when the bairns were all discussing what they're afraid of (actually that is the above scene). And that kid who's just popped along from Hawkins, Indiana, and developed all the sass, says he is afraid of clowns. The guy next to me in the cinema muttered "Well then you're fucked mate." And I couldn't stop laughing for the rest of the film. It. Hilarious.

Also, another side note, I have a theory, and this may be worthy of it's own blog post but I know it wont get it. But I have a theory that Stephen King is in fact It. Cause It lives off our fear. What does Stephen King inspire in us all in his books? Fear.* HE IS THE LIVING EMBODIMENT OF IT. ALL HAIL THE RETURN OF THE TURTLE.

Back to my slide show. My slide show. No more King.

Here are some photos of what I've been doing:

                                                         

Me in Glasgow. It was brighter than the sun.

Me in Newcastle. That wasn't even all the bridges.

Performing at the Stand Comedy Club Newcastle

Losing my shit over Cedric Diggory's want. Exactly as it reads

Ok no wait. We have to look at this more. And Bigger.

I can't move on from this. These are pizza cones. Yes exactly that. Look at them. Look at Miss Donner Kebab. Why is she blacked out? What is she carrying? Why is her glove still present? What is she? Why do none of the males have trousers on? Why is Dr. Spicy Chicken the only one with a doctorate, and in what, I don't know, cause he isn't dressed like a GP? When did Mr. Hawaiian break his left leg? Can any of you say Miss Margarita without putting on an accent? No. No it's impossible.

And which one did we buy?

Dr. Spicy Chicken of course. He's the only one with credentials. 

I promise I'll leave Shetland on a more regular basis and have a more indepth and shareable and relatable blog post about my time. But those pizza cones man. Also. I will keep that promise as I'm in the Glasgow International Comedy Festival in March. My show 'Marjolein Robertson: It's Time' will be on Monday 12th March, 8.30pm, in Yesbar. More info and tickets here:
Marjolein Robertson: It's Time

I could have written more. But I probably should have gone to bed. 

*Unless we're talking when he directed Maximum Overdrive. That is a laugh a minute. Thanks Stephen. Or should I say. Thanks It. Thit.

An Experiment Concluded

Hiyi there.

Almost a week ago to this day. So eight days ago. I wrote this on Twitter:

It's because I was experimenting. I had an idea. And I needed to see it through. And to see it through I had to be really drunk. So drunk I wouldn't remember seeing it through the next day. 

And that part of it worked:

Basically I had an idea for a new blog.

Blogwise; I currently host a blog for the Shetland Times, where I talk to people in Shetland about what they do, often a personal story behind the wider news picture. Here is when I spoke to Sara Pascoe because she was in Shetland and she's the best:

 

I also used to do a blog with my brother Dirk and cousin Jamie called: The Heavy Metal Buffet

Where we talked about metal music and anything and everything else, including mass. Well I mean mass as in the being of stuff, not Catholic mass. So then, we didn't talk about everything else, because I don't think we ever actually discussed Catholic mass at any point. We spoke about a lot of stuff. 

Here's an episode to hear here here:

Anyway, I had this idea of a whole new blog, one that I believe, but I never bothered to double check, doesn't already exist.

I don't know why anyone else would have ever done this. Perhaps they have, and they too heard it the next day and thought "no never." Wuhoh! Spoilers!

So, the idea for the blog, it never at any point had one title, was:

I, Marjolein, would get really drunk, very drunk, to the point where I knew I would not remember what I had done, said or read the next day. At that point I, now Drunk Marjolein, would take a book at random off my shelf. Sit down, and read lines and exerts of the book at random, pausing between to let Sober Marjolein (who would record the next day) talk back to Drunk Marjolein in the gaps she left between reading.

The idea was to have a hilarious conversations of two halves. One random lines from a book, a bit like an improv game we play with the Imposters at Shetland Comedy nights, to be honest, if I had got a friend around we could've just done that. ANYWAY. I didn't I got really drunk by myself and read bits of books. That was the plan.

I woke up the next day fully clothed in bed with all the lights on and the drunk guilts. I checked my phone. I had not sent anything untoward. I checked my laptop, it was not broken. I checked the news, lying, I never check that. Then I checked my laptop again. I had, made four different blogs of me, presumably reading four different books. I am proud to say I have memory of none.

So I made some breakfast, a big thing of coffee and sat down as Sober Marjolein to interact with my drunk self from the night before.

It. Did. Not. Work.

The first episode I spent 20 minutes explaining the concept of the podcast as well as playing the theme tune (I'd made theme tunes) twice because I'd forgotten I'd already played it.

The books were all instructive so I never actually read any conversational dialogue. Apart from when I read from H.P Lovecraft, but, as I am when I am sober, so scared off those stories, I was too afraid to read it audibly so just mumbled nonsensically for 20 minutes.

I should maybe also mentioned Drunk Marjolein thought to help the listener differentiate between the two Marjoleins she should put on an accent each time. I can't upload the Podcasts cause I can't do accents and I don't want various regions of the UK to hate me.

So to conclude the experiment:

It did not work. Do not worry. I will never do this again. Science.

And if you don't believe me, I took a 44 second clip, made it a video on Youtube, uploaded it and will share it with you here. This is from the 20 minute explanation from the first blog post. I will write a transcript below because I slur.

Remember, this is the first one, there was two more hours of drinking and recording after this, this was me at peak sober:

TRANSCRIPT:

So be-first the theme tune sets in for the first time* let me give myself-

Hiyi listeners I'm Marjolein I just wanted you to have an emotional attachment to me before you start listening cause I realised that that is important so I will make myself available to you.

I am scared of demons they freak me out all the time.
I like the idea of eating some sun-dried tomatos but I have none to eat.
Those are my ways of making myself vulnerable to you as a listener.
I'm a real person it's hard to that when I as drunk as I am.
But I am here and I had to get this drunk to make the podcast work.

* It was actually the second time.

Time

I've been thinking about time.
You know, how much I hate it.
Look at Wikipedia's description of time (as in read it):

"Time is the indefinite continued progress of existence

 and events that occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future."

Let's break that down because, not to over exaggerate, but I am freaking out.

"Time is the indefinite continued progress"

Wait. Indefinite. You surely can't mean. I thought it was never ending. I, I'll check:

Indefinite

ɪnˈdɛfɪnət/ adjective

1. lasting for an unknown or unstated length of time.

Ok, no. So, actually could end at any moment. Terrifying. Moving on:

"events that occur in an apparently irreversible succession."

Wait what? 'Apparently'. I have to google the word 'apparently' now because I have to make sure this is saying what I think it is, and my brain is broken:

Apparently

əˈparəntli/adverb

1. 1. as far as one knows or can see.

Fuck sake. So we don't even know.

We don't even know for sure if time can just flip on back over itself, however so far as we know it can't? So time is what it kind of seems to us but may just stop, it's ridiculous.

Yet we bridle ourselves with the concept of time to the point of losing swathes of our life to it. That's right swathes. Even the picture on the Wikiepedia page is of a watch. Something we are a slave too; it could've instead been a picture of a tree, or a map of the solar system or George Carlin's Rufus from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, but no, they had to pick a watch. Something we constantly look at feeling we wish we had longer, or regret that we have too little, or panic cause we are definitely 45 minutes late and everyone will be mad at me again.

The only comfort I take from the use of the picture of the watch, is perhaps it is a particular watch, a watch that represents the biggest 'fuck you' to time that we can all take hope from. Perhaps it is the watch that belonged to non other than the, possibly mute, I can't remember if he said anything, Bernard.

Bernard's Watch; the greatest fictional piece of work of all time in terms of depicting human's ability to manipulate time. 

Courtesy of: https://dreambiglittlegirl.com 

For anyone who doesn't know what it is. It's a children's show where a boy is presented a fob watch from the 'Postman'  (pretty sure that title changes to something like 'Time Police' in series two). Anyway, this watch has the ability to stop time, and suspends everything but Bernard when he does so, then he can recommence time again when he chooses. 

Yes there are questions: 

Q1. Could Bernard commit crime?
(A. No, not when Time Policeman can check up on him. Hence why I think they changed his job later on in the show)

Q2. Can he travel forwards and backwards through time using the watch?
(A. Actually yes, again, Time Policeman saves the day, cause he gets stuck in the future after seeing himself in prison and freaking out. It was actually young Bernard seeing adult Bernard on the set of a film when he's in prison cause he grows up to be a celebrated actor - BIGGEST JOKE OF THE SHOW.)

Q4. How can Bernard breathe when in suspended time and there is no diffusion of oxygen in the air?
(A. Never explained. He may be dead.)

But it's great. It's so great. Don't get me wrong I love Bernard.

Look at him for example. His name is Bernard. What audacity CITV displayed by choosing to name their main character 'Bernard'. I've looked into it, there is no book or previous short story this show is based upon. There was no underlying impetus to name him Bernard. They came up with that genius on their own.

via GIPHY

This show man.

Would you believe me if I told you at 4.00pm on bairn's telly on CITV an adult had taken a child to a saw mill and threatened to strap them to the belt and turn the saw on if they told anyone their secret? 

Because Bernard's Watch went there. 

The show also saw an episode when Bernard's confused Granddad pulled the pin out of a grenade in his own house infront of his grandchild. Leaving Bernard to have to stop time, take the grenade into a field, leave it there and walk away so it detonated, and it did big time, without killing them.

Another episode showed Bernard moving into a strange man's house down the street and living with him secretly for two weeks in, sometimes paused, sometimes real time. Playing with the man's train sets and toys while the man made him food and didn't tell anyone he was harbouring him. I mean Bernard told the man he had an injury at home and he had to hide from his parents while he recovered and he had the ability to stop time. I mean, even if the stranger danger for Bernard wasn't bad enough in this episode, surely the man was put in a position where Child Services should have been phoned after hearing Bernard's wild story of hiding from his parent's while he recovered? His disillusion time stopping escpades obviously being a way for him to hide from his abusive life?

Anyway, that was just another great episode of Bernard's Watch.

Here's some episode descriptions from the Bernard's Watch Wikipedia page. So much research went into this blog post. Apart from when I said I double checked if Bernard's Watch had any way existed before it was a TV show. I actually couldn't be bothered to look into that, but laughed so much at the name Bernard I wrote that anyway. Fiction.

Episode descriptions:

1	"Plenty of Time"	Andrew Norriss	David Cobham	2 October 1998
Karen discovers Bernard's watch, and finds out what it can do

- AKA. The episode when they had just realised Bernard's best friend Karen is a better actor and started to give her the lead from time to time.

9	"Time to Spare"	TBA	David Cobham	27 November 1998
Due to a fast clock, Bernard arrives at the go-kart track a whole hour early for a friend's birthday party. His friend Dylan is also early, so they hang out in the park together, but then Dylan gets his head stuck in some railings. Bernard goes in search of help...and one thing leads to another.

- And then what?! His head is stuck in a fence. What leads to what ITV?

5	"Time Travel"	TBA	David Cobham	30 October 1998
Bernard is accidentally left behind as his family return from their holiday. How will he catch up with his parents again?

- The episode where if the watch didn't exist we wouldn't have Bernard anymore. And his parent's would be arrested.

6	"Show Time"	TBA	David Cobham	6 November 1998
On Bernard's birthday, Grandad performs a conjuring show for his party. However, the show looks like coming a cropper thanks to a rude party guest. Then Bernard performs a few tricks of his own, and soon the tables are turned.

- "Coming a cropper" only you ITV. Only you can even think that's a thing to say.

And they were all great, while I watched them anyway.

Apparently eventually they recast Bernard. Because time is cruel and no one, save Baldr, the Norse god of rebirth, escapes Time's withering grasp.

via GIPHY

And the new series, from what I've read, doesn't follow the heart warming, saving your granddad and helping your friends and parents structure of old. 

Here's a review on IMDB:
                                        

I feel for Roboro15, that they should have had to watch that atrocity before the original version of Bernard's Watch. And will never have an unsullied view of the magic of the original.

And here we are. The newer episodes of 2004 ruining the old ones from 1997.

Is there nothing time won't destroy.

I hate time.

Da Helly Nichts Pt. 2 More Nights.

Happy Hogmanay, 

(or in Shetland 'Newrdie').

Last time I blogged I started on a tale of Shetland's traditional Holy Nights,

(or in Shetland 'Helly Nichts').

these are the traditional festive nights of the winter season. Like the Norwegian celebrations, we have a span of 24 nights of festivity around Christmas.

(or in Shetland 'Jül' - and let's keep referring it to that from now on cause I like the umlauts).

Anyway as the tale was posted on the 21st of December, I was only part way through the journey of our Helly Nichts so let me continue now.

If you need to catch up and read about the first five, click this link here:

Da Helly Nichts Blogpost

Also, if you want the audible version of the experience, although may differ wildly from blog post, follow this link here:

Roseanne & Marjolein: Shetland's Helly Nichts

So yeah, that's where me and my Secret Santie *SPOILERS* Roseanne, discuss the Shetland traditions and how she created the whole magical journey of discovery for me. Cheers again, best journey ever. I should mention, a lot of these traditions I had never heard about before, and hope, using this blog and podcast to reach as many more folk who may not know about them. These are traditions from our past in Shetland, let's revive them, especially the Tammasmas one, already going to get that as a holiday for 2018. (See below).

LET'S JOURNEY ON:

So last time we got as far as 21st December, AKA the shortest day, AKA Tammasmas Nicht; where no work us to be done and ale must be consumed in celebration till the sunrises on the 22nd. Wuooooay!

As you may remember, or have just read, the last few days of cards and presents had all been delivered by a mysterious guizer in a car park outside my work when I shouted in their face.

So the next card in the bag of goodies to open was on the 24th. Which, this year, happened to be a double barrled day of Holliness for Shetlanders. Let me split the one day of two celebrations into two sections right here for you:

Sunday 24th December - Byanna's Sunday

So, the last Sunday before Jül is Byanna's Sunday.

So the meal on this night is a boiled up cow's head. You then make sure the skull is stripped and cleaned and candles placed in it's sockets for use another day...

Very simple, and if you don't have a cow's head, any other edible beast's head will do: sheep, pig, manatee etc.

Sunday 24th - Jül  Eve

The traditions of this night are quite similar to those of Tul-Yas-E'en. The night where the trows are free to roam the earth. In the height of Jül their powers are strong, and more precautions are needed to protect yourself from their magic.

On this night you must:

- Wash yourself in three living embers from the fire, I did that, with peat, had to scrub the shower after but I smelt amazing. These living embers stop the trows from stealing the magic from your hands and feet.

- You must also wear clean, and if you can, new clothes.

My only clean/new clothes meant I ended up looking like an elf. But I forgot how elves stand.

- Tidy your house as trows despise clutter.

- Keep the door unlocked, you cannot lock  your house from the trows - But! Leave a tully knife (steel knife) above the door to stop them crossing the threshold. 

Other traditions include:

- Eating sun shaped cakes to celebrate the lengthening of the days.

- Leaving a burning candle in the window to let Midder Mary (Mother Mary) know she and her baby are welcome here. - I didn't do that cause fire safety. 

Then, finally, we come to....

Monday 25th December - Jül 

WE MADE IT. IT'S JÜL!

So, remember that beast's skull with the candles we prepared earlier? The man takes that, lit, and goes to the byres (sheds) to feed the animals, using that to light his way.

I should probably say now, remember how far North we are? 60 degrees. The hours of daylight start after 9.00am and end before it's 3.00pm. But this does help make it easier for me with one of the traditions I'll describe in a second..

Back to the byre:

When he feeds the livestock he'll give them extra food cause it's Jül.                                                                      

Another candle based tradition for Jül is that, throughout the year, the bairns (children) of the household, collect and store all the bits and ends of candles that would otherwise have been dumped. They take them all out on Jül morning and light them all, so breakfast is had by the dying light of many flames, celebrating, again, the lengthening of the sun. 

Then, and this is the tradition I knew about before this journey, and have been doing for years.

You must rise before the sun on Jül (not too hard due to the lack of sun as mentioned earlier) then the fiddler of the household wakens everyone up by playing Da Day Dawn, a traditional Shetland tune. It is custom to walk to your neighbour's house playing this. I walked to the ruin next door to play for the bodies. 

But yeah, then I went to the folks, gave and received parcels, ate food and other new fandangled Christmas traditions we all do these days. 

And before I depart for celebrations in preparation for Newrdie, let me share with you here my proudest achievement of 2017:
                                                  

What wonders can we achieve as a world next? 4?

Hope you all have a wonderful night and celebrate the coming of 2018!

However.

This is the new, modern and terrifying calendar. The original Shetland Newrdie is not till the 12th. In fact our Jül is not even until the 5th. So none of these dates have been correct.
So we're still in the helly nichts. So I have to wash myself with peats again. Today.

GOOD.

I LOVE DOING THAT.

GOOD NIGHT GUYS SEE YOU NEXT YEAR LOLOLOL!!1