Time

I've been thinking about time.
You know, how much I hate it.
Look at Wikipedia's description of time (as in read it):

"Time is the indefinite continued progress of existence

 and events that occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future."

Let's break that down because, not to over exaggerate, but I am freaking out.

"Time is the indefinite continued progress"

Wait. Indefinite. You surely can't mean. I thought it was never ending. I, I'll check:

Indefinite

ɪnˈdɛfɪnət/ adjective

1. lasting for an unknown or unstated length of time.

Ok, no. So, actually could end at any moment. Terrifying. Moving on:

"events that occur in an apparently irreversible succession."

Wait what? 'Apparently'. I have to google the word 'apparently' now because I have to make sure this is saying what I think it is, and my brain is broken:

Apparently

əˈparəntli/adverb

1. 1. as far as one knows or can see.

Fuck sake. So we don't even know.

We don't even know for sure if time can just flip on back over itself, however so far as we know it can't? So time is what it kind of seems to us but may just stop, it's ridiculous.

Yet we bridle ourselves with the concept of time to the point of losing swathes of our life to it. That's right swathes. Even the picture on the Wikiepedia page is of a watch. Something we are a slave too; it could've instead been a picture of a tree, or a map of the solar system or George Carlin's Rufus from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, but no, they had to pick a watch. Something we constantly look at feeling we wish we had longer, or regret that we have too little, or panic cause we are definitely 45 minutes late and everyone will be mad at me again.

The only comfort I take from the use of the picture of the watch, is perhaps it is a particular watch, a watch that represents the biggest 'fuck you' to time that we can all take hope from. Perhaps it is the watch that belonged to non other than the, possibly mute, I can't remember if he said anything, Bernard.

Bernard's Watch; the greatest fictional piece of work of all time in terms of depicting human's ability to manipulate time. 

Courtesy of: https://dreambiglittlegirl.com 

For anyone who doesn't know what it is. It's a children's show where a boy is presented a fob watch from the 'Postman'  (pretty sure that title changes to something like 'Time Police' in series two). Anyway, this watch has the ability to stop time, and suspends everything but Bernard when he does so, then he can recommence time again when he chooses. 

Yes there are questions: 

Q1. Could Bernard commit crime?
(A. No, not when Time Policeman can check up on him. Hence why I think they changed his job later on in the show)

Q2. Can he travel forwards and backwards through time using the watch?
(A. Actually yes, again, Time Policeman saves the day, cause he gets stuck in the future after seeing himself in prison and freaking out. It was actually young Bernard seeing adult Bernard on the set of a film when he's in prison cause he grows up to be a celebrated actor - BIGGEST JOKE OF THE SHOW.)

Q4. How can Bernard breathe when in suspended time and there is no diffusion of oxygen in the air?
(A. Never explained. He may be dead.)

But it's great. It's so great. Don't get me wrong I love Bernard.

Look at him for example. His name is Bernard. What audacity CITV displayed by choosing to name their main character 'Bernard'. I've looked into it, there is no book or previous short story this show is based upon. There was no underlying impetus to name him Bernard. They came up with that genius on their own.

via GIPHY

This show man.

Would you believe me if I told you at 4.00pm on bairn's telly on CITV an adult had taken a child to a saw mill and threatened to strap them to the belt and turn the saw on if they told anyone their secret? 

Because Bernard's Watch went there. 

The show also saw an episode when Bernard's confused Granddad pulled the pin out of a grenade in his own house infront of his grandchild. Leaving Bernard to have to stop time, take the grenade into a field, leave it there and walk away so it detonated, and it did big time, without killing them.

Another episode showed Bernard moving into a strange man's house down the street and living with him secretly for two weeks in, sometimes paused, sometimes real time. Playing with the man's train sets and toys while the man made him food and didn't tell anyone he was harbouring him. I mean Bernard told the man he had an injury at home and he had to hide from his parents while he recovered and he had the ability to stop time. I mean, even if the stranger danger for Bernard wasn't bad enough in this episode, surely the man was put in a position where Child Services should have been phoned after hearing Bernard's wild story of hiding from his parent's while he recovered? His disillusion time stopping escpades obviously being a way for him to hide from his abusive life?

Anyway, that was just another great episode of Bernard's Watch.

Here's some episode descriptions from the Bernard's Watch Wikipedia page. So much research went into this blog post. Apart from when I said I double checked if Bernard's Watch had any way existed before it was a TV show. I actually couldn't be bothered to look into that, but laughed so much at the name Bernard I wrote that anyway. Fiction.

Episode descriptions:

1	"Plenty of Time"	Andrew Norriss	David Cobham	2 October 1998
Karen discovers Bernard's watch, and finds out what it can do

- AKA. The episode when they had just realised Bernard's best friend Karen is a better actor and started to give her the lead from time to time.

9	"Time to Spare"	TBA	David Cobham	27 November 1998
Due to a fast clock, Bernard arrives at the go-kart track a whole hour early for a friend's birthday party. His friend Dylan is also early, so they hang out in the park together, but then Dylan gets his head stuck in some railings. Bernard goes in search of help...and one thing leads to another.

- And then what?! His head is stuck in a fence. What leads to what ITV?

5	"Time Travel"	TBA	David Cobham	30 October 1998
Bernard is accidentally left behind as his family return from their holiday. How will he catch up with his parents again?

- The episode where if the watch didn't exist we wouldn't have Bernard anymore. And his parent's would be arrested.

6	"Show Time"	TBA	David Cobham	6 November 1998
On Bernard's birthday, Grandad performs a conjuring show for his party. However, the show looks like coming a cropper thanks to a rude party guest. Then Bernard performs a few tricks of his own, and soon the tables are turned.

- "Coming a cropper" only you ITV. Only you can even think that's a thing to say.

And they were all great, while I watched them anyway.

Apparently eventually they recast Bernard. Because time is cruel and no one, save Baldr, the Norse god of rebirth, escapes Time's withering grasp.

via GIPHY

And the new series, from what I've read, doesn't follow the heart warming, saving your granddad and helping your friends and parents structure of old. 

Here's a review on IMDB:
                                        

I feel for Roboro15, that they should have had to watch that atrocity before the original version of Bernard's Watch. And will never have an unsullied view of the magic of the original.

And here we are. The newer episodes of 2004 ruining the old ones from 1997.

Is there nothing time won't destroy.

I hate time.